纽约时报文摘 | 别再要求女人更自信,让男人谦卑一点

别再要求女人更自信,让男人谦卑一点
Enough Leaning In. Let’s Tell Men to Lean Out.

If parents were giving their children virtue names today, as the Puritans used to do, nobody would choose Charity or Grace or Patience. Instead, half of all baby girls born in America would be named Empowerment or Assertiveness.
假如今天的父母们还像清教徒那样给他们的子女起美德名字,将没有人选择慈爱(Charity)、慈悲(Grace)或耐心(Patience)。半数美国出生的女婴会叫赋权(Empowerment)或坚定自信(Assertiveness)。

For women in this cultural moment, assertiveness is perhaps the ultimate in aspirational personal qualities. At the nexus of feminism and self-help lies the promise that if we can only learn to state our needs more forcefully — to “lean in” and stop apologizing and demand a raise and power pose in the bathroom before meetings and generally act like a ladyboss (though not a regular boss of course; that would be unladylike) — everything from the pay gap to mansplaining to the glass ceiling would all but disappear. Women! Be more like men. Men, as you were.
对于身处这一文化时刻的女性,坚定自信或许是有抱负的个人品质中的终极一项。女性主义与自我帮助的连接点是一种期待,即只要我们学着更有力地说明我们的需求——“向前一步”(lean in),别再道歉,要求加薪,开会前在洗手间摆出强势姿态,并在总体上表现得像个女老板(当然不是普通的老板,那样就不淑女了)——从薪酬差距到男性说教,再到玻璃天花板,一切都将不复存在。女人们!要更像男人。男人们,保持不变。

There are several problems with this fist-pumping restyling of feminism, most obviously that it slides all too easily into victim blaming. The caricature of the shrinking violet, too fearful to ask for a raise, is a handy straw-woman for corporations that would rather blame their female employees for a lack of assertiveness than pay them fairly.
这种挥舞拳头的女权主义变体有几个问题,最明显的是它很容易变成对受害者的责备。对于宁愿责怪女性职员缺乏坚定自信,也不给她们公平待遇的企业,一幅过于胆怯、不敢要求加薪的缩头乌龟形象,就成了一个方便攻击的女稻草人。

There’s also the awkward issue that it turns out to be untrue. Research shows that despite countless attempts to rebrand the wage gap as a “confidence gap,” women ask for raises as often as men do. They just don’t get them.
还有一个尴尬的问题是,这说法并不是实情。研究显示,尽管无数人企图将薪酬差距说成是“信心差距”,但女性要求加薪的次数和男性一样多。她们只是没得到而已。

But even if we leave these narrative glitches aside and accept the argument that female unassertiveness is a major cause of gender inequality and that complex, systemic problems can be fixed with individual self-improvement, we are still left with a deeply sexist premise.
不过即便我们撇开这些叙事上的漏洞,接受这样的观点,即女性不坚定自信是性别不平等的主要来源,并且复杂的系统性问题可以通过个体的自我改善得到解决,我们仍然面临着一种深重的性别歧视假设。

The assumption that assertiveness is a more valuable trait than, say, deference is itself the product of a ubiquitous and corrosive gender hierarchy.
认为坚定自信要比顺从之类的品质更有价值,这样的一个假设,本身就是普遍存在并具有腐蚀性的性别等级制度造成的。

As a rule, anything associated with girls or women — from the color pink to domestic labor — is by definition assigned a lower cultural value than things associated with boys or men. Fashion, for instance, is vain and shallow, while baseball is basically a branch of philosophy. Tax dollars are poured into encouraging girls to take up STEM subjects, but no one seems to care much whether boys become nurses. Girls are routinely given pep talks to be “anything a boy can be,” a glorious promotion from their current state, whereas to encourage a boy to behave more like a girl is to inflict an emasculating demotion. Female hobbies, careers, possessions and behaviors are generally dismissed as frivolous, trivial, niche or low status — certainly nothing to which any self-respecting boy or man might ever aspire.
通常而言,任何与女孩或女性相关的事物——从粉红色到家务劳动——均被固有地赋予一种比与男孩或男性相关事物低的文化价值。例如,时尚是虚荣和肤浅,棒球则基本上是哲学的一个分支。税收被大量投入到鼓励女孩学习STEM科目上,但似乎没人太在乎男孩是否会成为护士。女孩们经常会听到鼓励的话,“一切男孩能做的”,她们也能做,这是对她们当前状态的一种光荣的提升,而鼓励男孩的行为要更像女孩,则是在施加一种阉割降级。女性的喜好、事业、所有物和行为通常被视为轻浮、琐碎、小众或地位低下——无疑是任何一个有自尊心的男孩或男人都不会渴望得到的东西。

“Women: Improve yourselves!” has always been a baseline instruction of both the world at large and the self-help movement. Take the whole “Women Who …” subgenre, a surprisingly large range of books whose titles start with the words “Women Who …” and end with a character flaw that then blames us for our own failure to be happy or successful. “Women Who Love Too Much,” “Women Who Think Too Much,” “Women Who Worry Too Much,” “Women Who Do Too Much.”
“女人们:提升你们自己!”一直是整个世界和自我帮助运动的基本指示。以“……的女人”这类陈述为例,令人惊讶的是,很多书的标题都以某种性格缺陷开头,以“……的女人”结尾,然后称我们不快乐或不成功要怪我们自己。《爱得太多的女人》(Women Who Love Too Much)、《总是想太多的女人》(Women Who Think Too Much)、《总是担心太多的女人》(Women Who Worry Too Much)、《做得太多的女人》(Women Who Do Too Much)。

Rarely do we stop to consider that many of life’s problems might be better explained by the alternative titles “Men Who Love Too Little,” “ … Think Too Little,” “ … Worry Too Little” or “ … Do Too Little.” But instead we assume without question that whatever men are doing or thinking is what we all should be aiming for.
我们很少停下来思考,生活中的许多问题用相对应的标题解释或许更好:“爱得太少的男人”、“想太少的……”、“担心太少的……”或“做得太少的……”。但我们反而不加质疑地认定,无论男人在做什么或想什么,都应该是我们所有人的目标。

Now the assertiveness movement is taking this same depressingly stacked ranking system and selling it back to us as feminism. We in turn barely question whether the male standard really is the more socially desirable or morally sound set of behaviors or consider whether women might actually have had it right all along.
就是这样一个令人沮丧的等级系统,正在被当前的坚定自信运动所利用,当成女性主义兜售给我们。反过来我们则几乎不会质疑男性标准是否真的是一套更符合社会需要或道德的行为,也不会考虑是否实际上,女性也许一直都是正确的。

After all, one man’s “assertive” is often another woman’s abrasive, entitled or rude. Surely many of our most pressing social and political problems — from #MeToo to campus rape, school shootings to President Trump’s Twitter posturing — are caused not by a lack of assertiveness in women but by an overassertiveness among men. In the workplace, probably unsurprisingly to many women who are routinely talked over, patronized or ignored by male colleagues, research shows that rather than women being underconfident, men tend to be overconfident in relation to their actual abilities. Women generally aren’t failing to speak up; the problem is that men are refusing to pipe down.
毕竟,男人的“自信”放在女人身上,往往会被认为是粗暴、自负或粗鲁。毫无疑问,我们许多最紧迫的社会和政治问题——从#MeToo(“#我也是”)到校园强奸、校园枪击,乃至特朗普总统装腔作势的推文——不是由女性缺乏自信造成的,而是由男性的过度自信造成的。研究表明,与女性相比,男性往往对自己的实际能力过于自信,对于那些经常在工作场所被男同事碾压、屈就或忽视的女性来说,这个结论可能并不奇怪。女性通常并没有不发声;问题是男人拒绝少说两句。

Take apologizing, the patient zero of the assertiveness movement. Women do too much of it, according to countless op-ed essays, books, apps and shampoo ads. There’s even a Gmail plug-in that is supposed to help us quit this apparently self-destructive habit by policing our emails for signs of excessive contrition, underlining anything of an overly apologetic nature in angry red wiggles.
以道歉为例,它是这场自信运动的零号病人。无数专栏文章、书籍、手机应用和洗发水广告说,女人们做了太多道歉。甚至还有一个Gmail插件,旨在帮助我们摆脱这个显然带有自毁性质的习惯,它会监管我们的邮件中是否有太多表达懊悔的迹象,用愤怒的红色波浪线标记出过于卑躬屈膝的语句。

The various anti-apologizing tracts often quote a 2010 study showing that the reason women say they are sorry more often than men is that we have a “lower threshold for what constitutes offensive behavior.” This is almost exclusively framed as an example of female deficiency. But really, isn’t a person with a “high threshold of what constitutes offensive behavior” just a fancy name for a jerk?
各种各样的反道歉宣传经常引用2010年的一项研究,该研究表明,女性比男性更常道歉的原因是,我们“对于什么是冒犯行为有着更低的阈值”。这几乎被当做是女性特有的缺陷。但实际上,一个“对于什么是冒犯行为有着很高阈值”的人,不就是把“混蛋”说得好听一些吗?

Rarely in the course of this anti-apologizing crusade do we ever stop to consider the social and moral value of apologies and the cost of obliterating them from our interactions. Apologizing is a highly symbolic and socially efficient way to take responsibility for our actions, to right a wrong and clear space for another person’s feelings. It’s a routine means of injecting self-examination and moral reflection into daily life.
在这场反道歉的运动中,我们很少会停下来思考道歉的社会和道德价值,以及将道歉从我们的人际交往中抹去的代价。道歉是一种极具象征意义和社交效率的方式,它能让我们对自己的行为负责,纠正错误,为他人的感受腾出空间。这是一种日常的自我反省和道德反思的方式。

Indeed, many of our problems with male entitlement and toxic behavior both in the workplace and elsewhere could well be traced back to a fundamental unwillingness among men to apologize, or even perceive that they have anything to apologize for. Certainly many emails I have received from men over the years would have benefited from a Gmail plug-in pointing out the apology-shaped hole. The energy we spend getting women to stop apologizing might be better spent encouraging men to start.
事实上,我们在工作场所和其他地方遇到的许多男性自大问题和不良行为,都可以追溯到男性根本不愿道歉,甚至认为他们没什么可道歉的。的确,如果能有一个指出道歉方面缺陷的Gmail插件,多年来给我发邮件的许多男人本可以从中受益。我们花在让女人停止道歉上的精力,或许应该花在鼓励男人开始道歉上。

So perhaps instead of nagging women to scramble to meet the male standard, we should instead be training men and boys to aspire to women’s cultural norms, and selling those norms to men as both default and desirable. To be more deferential. To reflect and listen and apologize where an apology is due (and if unsure, to err on the side of a superfluous sorry than an absent one). To aim for modesty and humility and cooperation rather than blowhard arrogance.
因此,也许我们不应该喋喋不休地让女人赶紧去满足男人的标准,而应该训练男人和男孩去追求女人的文化规范,并把这些规范作为默认的和值得追求的东西兜售给男人。要更恭顺一些。要反思,要倾听,该道歉的地方要道歉(如果不确定,宁可说一句多余的抱歉,也不要不道歉)。要以谦虚、谦卑和合作为目标,而不是吹嘘傲慢。

It would be a challenge, for sure. Pity the human resources manager trying to sell a deference training course to male employees. She would need to paint all the PowerPoint slides black and hand out Nerf guns just to get started. As long as the threat of emasculation is a baseline terror for men, encouraging them to act more like women still instinctively feels like a form of humiliation.
这无疑将是个挑战。设法向男性员工推销恭顺培训课程的人力资源经理令人同情。她首先需要把所有的幻灯片做成黑色,然后分发内尔夫枪。只要男人恐惧的底线还在于被阉割的威胁,鼓励他们表现得更像女性,仍然会让他们本能地感到一种羞辱。

Which is exactly why we need to try, because until female norms and standards are seen as every bit as valuable and aspirational as those of men, we will never achieve equality. Promoting qualities such as deference, humility, cooperation and listening skills will benefit not only women but also businesses, politics and even men themselves, freeing them from the constant and exhausting expectation to perform a grandstanding masculinity, even when they feel insecure or unsure.
这恰恰是我们需要尝试的原因,因为除非女性的每一种规范和标准均被视为和男性的一样有价值和有抱负,否则我们永远不会实现平等。发扬恭顺、谦逊、合作和倾听技巧等品质,不仅对女性有利,对企业、政治甚至男性本身也有好处,这让他们不必在哪怕感到不安全或不确定时,还要不断地、精疲力尽地期望表现出一种耀武扬威的男子气概。

So H.R. managers and self-help authors, slogan writers and TED Talk talkers: Use your platforms and your cultural capital to ask that men be the ones to do the self-improvement for once. Stand up for deference. Write the book that teaches men to sit back and listen and yield to others’ judgment. Code the app that shows them where to put the apologies in their emails. Teach them how to assess their own abilities realistically and modestly. Tell them to “lean out,” reflect and consider the needs of others rather than assertively restating their own. Sell the female standard as the norm.
因此,人力资源经理、自助励志作家、标语口号作者和TED演讲者们:请利用你们的平台和文化资本,呼吁男性这次成为进行自我提升的人。力挺恭顺。写一本书,教导人们坐下来倾听,并听从他人的判断。编写应用程序,告诉他们在电子邮件中该把道歉放在哪里。教他们如何实际而谦虚地评估自己的能力。告诉他们要“向外一步”(lean out),反思和考虑他人的需求,而不是武断地重申自己的需求。把女性标准当作规范来推销。

Perhaps some capitulation poses in the bathroom before a big meeting might help.
也许在重大会议之前,在卫生间里摆一些投降的姿势会有所帮助。

原创文章,作者:归隐,如若转载,请注明出处:https://www.l4t.cn/289.html

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